Home » Before Break Up » Facebook…


So, one of the ways I figured out that my W was married was Facebook.  Once I had his real name and the town he lived in I was able to do some research.  I check his wife’s Facebook page periodically.  I don’t know why.  Curiosity, I suppose.  I don’t know her.  Like many OW I am curious to get the wife’s side of the story.  This gives me some insight into her perspective.  I don’t check it often.  She doesn’t post a whole lot, and nothing about her family usually.  I would say I hadn’t looked at her account in about month, until last night.  I’m not sure I am glad I did or not.  In my previous post I ended with saying I was looking for a catalyst to either leave W or stay.  I may have found that last night.  I am still shaking.

W has always maintained that his wife is distant.  Pays no attention to him.  He says they rarely even talk unless it is about the kids.  He claims that they don’t do things together, sleep together, or even eat meals together.  He says they are like roommates that aren’t even friends really.  I believed this some what.  His constant contact with me would suggest that that is a possibility. I always wondered how he could constantly text me in his house without arising suspicion.  Even this past week I asked if she had questioned changes in his behavior since we met a year ago.  He claimed that she hadn’t because she is uninterested in him.

Fast forward to last night.  I checked her page and during the days he spent with me this week she was Facebooking what a great husband she had and about their years of wedded bliss.  Wedded BLISS! She thanks him for being the best husband, friend, father. This is the first time I had seen posts of this nature since we had met. It knocked the wind out of me.  Literally, knocked the wind out of me.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around this.  I haven’t told him yet.  I have only said that I was upset and would discuss it later.  Later being when I could form rational sentences instead of lashing out in rage.

Here are some of my thoughts.  I know that people put up things on their Facebook page to maintain the appearance of a happy life even when things are not so happy.  However, something in my gut tells me that is not the case.  There were comments on her post from people congratulating her etc… Her Facebook page was the final piece of the puzzle as I pieced together his “real” life several months ago.  For me it is a place of truth.  Here is one thing that give me pause as to if her post was entirely true of her perspective, or if she was just painting a pretty picture for their friends and family. Over the course of the past year W did something with me that would suggest that his marriage is far from happy.  This would be spending his wedding anniversary and his birthday with me…the entire day and night for both occasions, though under the guise of being on a business trip.

If this is truly her perspective of their marriage, he has been doing a good job of playing the part of husband at home.  Which would mean I have been lied to once again and he has been playing us both.  If she thinks she is in wedded bliss, she is either in denial or completely clueless, because she is far from wedded bliss with this man.  Can he be that good at switching roles that when he returns home he is completely able to hide our relationship?  Who is this man I have shared my heart, soul and body with?

I didn’t enter into this relationship with the knowledge I would be the other woman.  I thought he was a widower.  Then later when I knew the truth I thought he was leaving her for me.  It wasn’t until recently I began to wise up.  He is that good at convincing me that his feelings and intentions are real.  He sells it so well.

Sorry, I know this post is all over the place.  I have yet to confront him with my new found knowledge.  I don’t yet know what I am going to say, how I am going to say it.  My head is spinning.  I don’t know what is real and what isn’t real.  I feel numb and indecisive.  I feel crummy.  I wish I could talk to her.  I won’t call her, email or text her, but man I wish I knew her story in this.


23 thoughts on “Facebook…

  1. That is hard for sure. It’s hard to not know the “real” story. I also check the page of my MM’s wife. He has never given me the “I’m unloved at home” story…I am aware they still have sex and I am aware that while he is not “in love”(butterflies and all that) he does love her and loves their (childless/full of freedom) lifestyle together. So when I see her affectionate posts and pictures of them together…it doesn’t surprise me, but does make me a bit sad that I will never get that part of him. Facebook is a bit disastrous….seems to help start affairs, like in my case, and serves to cause us more angst when we go looking around for the signs we need.

    • Her post was a complete surprise to me, because he portrays it as if they are two strangers living in a house together. He paints her as sullen, glum, and uninterested in doing things in life. He speaks of her holing up in her room for hours sometimes days at a time. It was a true shock for me. I have checked her page periodically over the year and hadn’t seen anything like this post before. It completely threw me for a loop. Looking back though, while he has been more distant from me as of late, he has probably been working on things with her and this is where this post came from. I feel physically sick right now.

  2. Reading this post led my mind to all the different ways we deceive ourselves to meet our internal needs/desires….OW are not the only ones guilty of this…one thing as OW we will never know is what the nature of the relationship between our MM and the BS…I had a couple of encounters with the BS and what really broke my heart is the damage this MM has inflicted upon her self worth…..no she does not know who I am nor does she know about the affair or rather she has no evidence of the affair…my heart goes out to this woman as she did not ask to be betrayed…yes she does have a role in her troubled marriage but he has destroyed her self worth by creating doubts in an already fragile relationship…man am I an odd duck for relating to her and not being jealous…but I can tell you this and this is where I have found relief…I no longer am burdened with concerns regarding this man…what happens in his life no longer has anything to do with me….I wish him happiness as I do her as well…but I am directing my energy on myself as I’m pretty damn awesome and deserve it Remember you women are awesome and deserve to have your needs/desires met and they need to be met by you

    • Yes! We do tell ourselves a lot if things to justify the relationship. I know what you are saying. I want to get to that point where my mind is no longer occupied by what he is doing and his marriage. Thanks for the thoughts on my post. 🙂 are you doing ok? Did you make it out of the house?

  3. I’m doing ok … not sobbing anymore….yes I am still snowed/iced in … if I were paranoid I would think the universe is conspiring to make me face my demons by trapping me in a space where I have nothing better to do than think…so given my analytical nature I have been researching various concepts that I listed in my post “Subjects to Ponder”….the one that I find most challenging is the codependency…a pretty big hurdle to establishing a healthy relationship…I know everything will be ok and I will learn more than I ever anticipated from this experience…I think why I am doing as well as I am is I’m recognizing the storyline I created is not based on truth and the man i thought I was with was in some part a creation of mine and not based on truth but based on what I wanted to believe…does this make any sense?

  4. I’m beginning to unravel the real truth in my relationship with W. Seeing it through a different lens. I didn’t want to, because it makes me feel so used, hurt and angry. I own my part. I wasn’t an innocent bystander. My life is changed, his will go on unchanged, just like your MM. I don’t think his wife has been touched by any of this. She is living under a lie of wedded bliss, I guess what they say about ignorance is bliss is true in her case. I am glad that she has that, I wish I did at this moment.

  5. Your MM sounds like mine. He painted the picture about his family and relationships he has with her just like your case. MM knows how to persuaded us to believe his lies so he can manipulate and use us. His wife may know about the affairs but doesn’t have any proof. Do I want to tell her, probably not. I can relate so much to you.

    • I don’t think any good would come to you by telling her. I know that is something I will never do. I have been on the receiving end of that phone call before. I wish I hadn’t. I didn’t do her any good and it certainly didn’t do me any good.

      Thank! I relate to you as well.

  6. First, I would like to say your blog has helped to me too see and feel the hurt with in myself and I want to thank you. Second, I know falling in love with some is the best thing in the world and you want to do anything to keep that feeling. I mean anything, even being the other person. It like waiting in vain and we still hold on to hope just maybe they will say yes I want you, and I love you. Third, no one can tell use who to fall in love with, all we can do is love ourself just a little more than we love them. Personally I still want to be with her so much, it feel like a forest fire in my heart when ever I think about her much less see her. On the other hand I want to see her happy even if its not with me. I also know that you feel the same way deep down about W, well thats all I’m saying any how. I hope I don’t give another woman the Title of the Other Woman, because I know the feel of being the Other Man. Thanks for letting me Ramble about Relationships.

  7. Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog. 🙂 I’m glad that my experience has helped you. Being the OW/OM is never easy. Until you live through this experience there is no way to understand how torturous it can be. The hit that you take as person and human being to love someone who belongs to someone else can create a crater within your soul. I do love W with all my heart and soul. I wish I didn’t. I have tried not to, I am not successful yet. And yes I would never do this to another person. Make them the OM. If you love somebody you don’t do that to them. I said that to W once…If you loved me like you say you do, you wouldn’t want me to be the other woman. His response: wow. I hadn’t thought of it like that, and he agreed. However, he didn’t take action. Anytime you want to ramble about relationships feel free. I wish you some peace, you sound tortured. :/

  8. My MM told me same and like you, I confronted him with the FB pics but till now, I am not sure what he told me were the truth or mere lies. I do not know what to believe in anymore.
    I ‘stalked’ her FB, waiting to catch MM when he lied and sadly I caught him lying a few more times. The excuse is always the same “Appearances – pictures may not tell the truth”.
    What has this brought me? Nowhere – I wonder if MM knows the kind of pain that we go through when such things happen. A little part of me dies, every time I saw more loving pics of him & his family.
    Let ignorance be your bliss… *hug*

    • I don’t think they have a clue how that cuts us. That is the image they show to the world. While we are living in shadows and receiving scraps of their time. We are so grateful for the little we get. The BS is getting the lion’s share of their time, the position, the legitimation of the their relationship, yet often the men come to us because they feel under appreciated at home. It is an ugly cycle, and seems everyone’s needs get met except the OW. At least in my experience. I have been the BS before though, and everytime my fiance started back up with his ex-girlfriend I could tell because he would hide his phone, become more distant with me, would look for reasons to have days without me, would complain about me being too needy or emotional (because I was calling him out on the signs I seen, so he became defensive and critical), etc..So sometimes even the BS isn’t having her needs met, but I think that is not true in my case.

      I admit I have checked her FB page as way to find out if he is being truthful with me about their relationship, what he is doing, etc? For the past year, everything seemed on the up and up, until a few days ago. What a sucker punch when I saw it. Ugh! yes, ignorance can be bliss. Thanks for the hugs – right back at you!

  9. If l may weigh in too… I’ve seen this movie before. In fact my name was above the title as the credits rolled. Both myself and my MM overlooked what your MM is overlooking. When your MM is the type that seeks approval to leave, feels the guilt of cheating, doesn’t want infiedlity to be the cause of the end of his marriage and is practically waiting for his wife to open the door and say “go be with the one you love” (like that’s ever going to happen) and you have a wife on the opposite end of the spectrum who still loves her husband despite the distance that has sneaked in between them and is totally unsuspecting of the fact that she has lost him to another, you have a major problem on your hands. I think this post needs to have flashing red light on top of it for all OW. No matter how much he loves you and how much he has fallen un-in-love with her, the minute he wants to leave her for you she is going to fight tooth and nail for him. She’s going to be the victim and you the ‘homewrecker’ that tried to steal her husband who she’s now decided she can’t live without, breath without, function without… I don’t doubt for a minute what he feels for you. I just don’t think he has any idea how his wife feels. The years of distance have made them strangers to one another and therefore he is clueless for what the fallout will bring to her. Add that to the guilt he’s going to be feeling about loving someone else and you have an impossible situation. I hope he finds the strength to be the man he thinks he is. I think it’s that moment that seperates the boys from the real men.
    Sorry it’s turned into a post.

    • Allie, I always love your comments to me. I know that every affair is different, but ours seem to have so many similarities. You are exactly right. I think he is clueless about what his wife is thinking and believes. I also believe that his relationship with her is much closer than he has let on with me. I think he does play the attentive and dutiful husband at home. He tells me he is unhappy home, but I don’t think he is as unhappy as he has made me to believe in the past. He admitted yesterday that things were better with them now, then we first met a year ago. That FB post made me feel as if we were based on a lie. He knew I had to believe his marriage was over for me to continue in the affair. Most women need to believe that, right? So that they can continue and not feel as guilty and have hope that one day it will be more than an affair.

      You are right. If he was to up and leave, she would fight tooth and nail, and I doubt he would have the strength to actually leave. Hell, he can’t even find the words to tell her he wants a divorce I doubt he would be able to follow through with it, if she started begging him to stay and making promises. He seeks approval from his children (mostly grown), her, family, friends, work colleagues, and even me…though I know from experience he is ok with disappointing me, I will be the first he disappoints before anybody else. I already know that I am the one that is expendable. Writing this to you has been kind of eye opening. Isn’t it funny how sometimes you sit and write and the fog divides just a little bit more. Thanks for letting me ramble on here in my reply! 🙂

      Oh and I love the comment about the boys being separated from the men! So, true.

  10. I feel your pain like it’s mine. And you are right so much of our story is so similar. The bit about the kids. My MM has mostly adult children too, and he actually spoke to them to ‘ask their permission’ if you will to leave. When they asked him to give it another go, he felt compeled to. l think that was when l realised that he wanted to leave but he had no idea how to do it. Their approval was so important to him and without it, what was already shaky ground for him became impossible. Like l said l’ve seen this movie before and it’s frightening watching it play out elsewhere. The only words l have to console you are, just as l’m so much stronger today and l’ve found the courage to say l will no longer be a part of this, so will you.

    • Yeah, W at one point was feeling his friends and family out to see how they would feel about him leaving. He said he was gaining support for him to leave. I see it clear as day now, he was looking for approval not support. That’s been at least six months ago. He no longer discusses leaving unless I bring it up. I’m going to post, but I finally pulled the trigger on my relationship today. I am actually feeling ok…right now. I hope it lasts, and it isn’t just shock I feel. Funny, when I read your blog…I was nodding the whole time. It was like I could have written the very same words. :/ *hugs* thanks for posting your thoughts.

  11. I think for your long term sanity you need to dig deep and find the strength to persevere. You don’t have any other choice. It’s either that or to keep going as is. He needs to lose you to force him into any kind of action, that doesn’t necessarily mean he will, but if he’s ever going to do it, it’ll be when he realises he’s lost you.

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