Home » Before Break Up » I’m a coward…

I’m a coward…

I still haven’t responded to W.  Instead I cried and slept, cried and slept in alternating cycles.   After waking up late I had a message from  W saying that he couldn’t wait to see me.  I have tried to compose several messages to relay to him what I want to say to only delete them.  The feelings haven’t changed, my desire to go through with ending this hasn’t changed, but words fail me when I try to express those thoughts and feelings to him. Months of turmoil are so hard to relay in a simple text message.  How does one end a significant relationship in what basically amounts to a tweet?  The right words just don’t seem to come from my mind and fingers as I try to send the message.  Instead I sit paralyzed trying to make the words come.  I am actually thinking of taking the easy way out and duck out of this in silence.  I have decided I am a coward.  A coward who is unable to put a voice to my feelings that will express my feelings to him.  Once again I have allowed a man to silence to my voice because of fear.  I can’t go through another goodbye in person, I have done that before…see my previous post It’s Been a Month.  I can’t do that again.  I won’t do that again. 

Dear lord, please help me find the words…

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16 thoughts on “I’m a coward…

  1. I’m meeting with my MM on Thursday to end things. He is aware of what is coming but his expectation is that we will remain friends. This is not an option for me. I wont be able to get over him if he remains in my life. I’m already preparing myself by alerting my support system that I need them to see me through this. The last heartache/loss I experienced was approximately 22 years ago. Funny thing leaving my ex-hubby was much easier and less painful than this. I just cant bare the pain anymore. He made his choice. I am making mine and I need a significant time to heal. Maybe a year or two down the road I will be able to extend my friendship to him.

    • I agree, this kind of pain can take your breath away. I also agree that going through a divorce was nothing like this. I can’t be friends either. Every time he tells me what he is doing it feels like he chooses that (no matter what it is) over me. It cuts me to.the core. I just can’t do it anymore either. I’m so sad right now. Just sad. I can’t think about him and wonder what he is doing all the time. Ugh! Big hug!

  2. I wasn’t sure about whether l should or comment on your last blog because everyone who has walked in your shoes knows it’s a personal journey and the route it takes is not one you necessarily want but what you are capable of enduring at that time. Sometimes advice from those who do not understand your pain can seem patronising. Often going along with it seems easier and less painful than taking a stand which is why l think OW endure so much. I stopped myself from having “the talk” so many times, had “the talk” so many times only to be dissuaded many times. He convinced me to go on and then crumbled himself. Know that you are not alone and it does and will get better in the end. In the very early days of our relationship ending l remember driving down hill doing 80kms when a truck pulled up suddenly in front on me. I remember in those fews seconds l had to brake that l zctually thought about whether or not l should. My daughter was in the back seat. I’ve expressed the lowest of lows and feel the helplessness of your words. Have faith that you will eventually heal and learn to move forward. Thinking of you.

    • Feel free to comment anytime. 🙂 I love what you said about not always making the choice you want, but the one you are capable of enduring…spot on! Why is it “the talk” is so hard to have. I was beginning to think I was crazy! I am such an assertive woman and when it comes to him I just crumble. People will treat you as you allow yourself to be treated. I allow him to treat me like that so he does.

      I am glad you hit the brakes. As painful as all this is, it will get better. We will grow, learn and move on. No matter what we feel our daughters deserve their moms. We can’t allow these men to take us from them. You know? Big Hug Miss Allie! Reach out to me if you ever need to. Thanks for reaching out to me!

  3. I can’t add anything more than what Allie or Complicit haven’t already said. All of our journey’s may be different, but know you aren’t alone. You are worth what you want and fight for. {hugs}

  4. I’ve only recently found your blog…and those of most of your network of women who comment. I’m a male and I’ve been through this…I left a marriage…for a relationship. Not the best of reasons. Not that any of what you all share comes as a surprise, but the collective perspectives have been profound to say the least. I have been moved by your words and understanding.

    You deserve so much more than you will ever get here. I understand the pain…the fear…the hesitation…the ‘cowardly’ feelings. Moving forward and growth means finding comfort in the discomfort. You can do this…don’t repeat bad patterns. I thought your ‘letter’ expressed it all…I’d encourage you to ‘send it’ or a variation and take a step forward for you and your kids. It’s the healthiest alternative, but you know that already.

    You are in my thoughts…C

    • Thank you Cameron. Actually, I am intrigued to have your perspective. Out of curiosity, did it work out when you left for another relationship? Would you mind to share some of that experience? Thank you so much for reaching out to me. It means a lot. I actually thought about giving him URL to my blog and leaving it at that. He knows I blog about us. I haven’t decided yet though if that would be the best approach. Do you have any thoughts on that? Sorry about all the questions, I am just fascinated by your perspective. Thanks again.

      Oh, and my network of women who comment on my post are all rock stars in my book!

  5. Pingback: My network of women bloggers rock!!! | Relationship Rambles

  6. There nothing wrong with ending it on a tweet when plp say cowards do that or cowards do this ..well it really depends on the circumstances doesnt it ….your ending a relationship that you dont want to proceed so if u do it ober a tweet or face to face the outcome still the same ….its always the outcome that plp rem. …

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