Wow! I have been absent recently. I have had a lot going on in my life and just haven’t had time to blog. Now, things are starting to settle down. The distractions were good and I was mostly content and at times, dare I say happy. During this time I would periodically hear from W by text. Not a whole lot was said. I avoided asking him what he was doing, because I either knew I wouldn’t like the answer, or I would think it was a lie. Texting was sporadic and pretty much superficial. Gone are the days that we would text our feelings, undying love, marriage plans for the future, our hopes to blend our families, etc. Now it feels more like casual friends with casual conversation. Through all of my transition lately he didn’t call me. Not one time. Not once to see how I was, to ask what happened, to hear my voice…not one time did he ring me.
Today, he texts and says he wants to come and visit me for a day and an overnight. He has so many obligations and this is when he can fit me into his busy calendar. As I am typing this and seeing it in writing I am getting mad. I was just feeling hurt, but now I am mad. I feel like a booty call to him. A business trip. I am so mad and hurt by him. I am mad that he is putting me in the position to agree or not agree to see him. I am mad that I am just a side trip in the middle of his busy schedule. I am mad that I am never the priority. And, I am mad at me for not being strong enough to just say no. I haven’t answered his text yet. I have sat here in silence and haven’t told him how I feel. I don’t want to put myself through this anymore. The up and down swing. Every time I see him it is like hitting the reset button. I haven’t seen him in over 2 weeks. I have seen him once in the past 7 weeks, with only a handful of phone calls in between.
Even now as I consider making plans to see him, I am panicking…not overjoyed, but complete panic! For I know that for I know that during our visit as I am bonding with him, he will leave me yet again. I know that as we are spending hours I am dreading the goodbye. I will know that as we are visiting he will be cautiously watching the clock so that he can get home on time, as to not cause alarm in his house. It has become obvious that he will leave rejuvenated and I will be left depleted and will take days to heal from our visit. No, I don’t want to go through that again. I can’t. I won’t.
I am nervous, because I know what I am going to do. I am going to end this. I am scared, because it will be the first time I draw the line. I know where that line will lead me. I know it is going to hurt, but it is like surgery. Take the pain now, to avoid more time living in pain only to end up with the same surgery. Just like with surgery, I will never be the same, but hopefully I will be on my way to wellness. Right now, I feel paralyzed to move on in my personal life. I am limited by this relationship. Maybe, by pulling the plug once and for all I am opening myself up for a more fulfilling life with someone who can and is willing to love me and make me a priority. I love this man and at one time I thought he loved me and was serious about me. I see it differently now. I know what I was/am to him. I wasn’t/am not the love of his life, his soul mate, the one he couldn’t live without…I was his mistress.
I fell in love with him before I knew he was married and I believed him when he said we were different, that I was different and he was trying to leave his wife. I take accountability for staying with him after I was made aware of his marital circumstances. I take accountability for loving him even after he showed me who he was. I need to remember that this is not an ending, but a new beginning as I take back my heart and reserve it for the man who shows me that he is deserves it. This is a new beginning for the new life I am forging now.
I must remember:
-that to steal second, I first have to take my foot off first base
-that I am brave, strong and deserving of more
-that I am a worthy, deserving person
-my worth, my values and moral compass
-to be brave…
I have to be brave and face this head on with the words I never wanted to speak to him. There was a point in time I would have rather removed a limb without anesthetic, but I know he doesn’t feel that way, and I in turn have had to face that hard truth. I knew the day he said, “We shouldn’t see each other anymore.,” that he wouldn’t rather lose a limb than live without me. That day was really the turning point for us. It was the first time, I knew he didn’t mean everything he had said to me. It was when doubt was introduced. It was the first day I felt small and unimportant. I have to face my fear and the pain and emptiness I know that will follow after speaking the words. I have to face the unknown future. Sometimes the fear of the unknown is worse than the reality of the present. I need to remember how hard and painful the last few months have been for me and have the courage to face the unknown.
Time for me to put on my big girl panties…