Home » Before Break Up » Time to put on my big girl panties…

Time to put on my big girl panties…

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Wow! I have been absent recently.  I have had a lot going on in my life and just haven’t had time to blog.  Now, things are starting to settle down.  The distractions were good and I was mostly content and at times, dare I say happy.  During this time I would periodically hear from W by text.  Not a whole lot was said.  I avoided asking him what he was doing, because I either knew I wouldn’t like the answer, or I would think it was a lie.  Texting was sporadic and pretty much superficial.  Gone are the days that we would text our feelings, undying love, marriage plans for the future, our hopes to blend our families, etc.  Now it feels more like casual friends with casual conversation.  Through all of my transition lately he didn’t call me.  Not one time.  Not once to see how I was, to ask what happened, to hear my voice…not one time did he ring me.

Today, he texts and says he wants to come and visit me for a day and an overnight.  He has so many obligations and this is when he can fit me into his busy calendar.  As I am typing this and seeing it in writing I am getting mad.  I was just feeling hurt, but now I am mad. I feel like a booty call to him.  A business trip.  I am so mad and hurt by him.  I am mad that he is putting me in the position to agree or not agree to see him.  I am mad that I am just a side trip in the middle of his busy schedule.  I am mad that I am never the priority.  And, I am mad at me for not being strong enough to just say no.  I haven’t answered his text yet. I have sat here in silence and haven’t told him how I feel.  I don’t want to put myself through this anymore.  The up and down swing.  Every time I see him it is like hitting the reset button.  I haven’t seen him in over 2 weeks.  I have seen him once in the past 7 weeks, with only a handful of phone calls in between.

Even now as I consider making plans to see him, I am panicking…not overjoyed, but complete panic! For I know that for I know that during our visit as I am bonding with him,  he will leave me yet again.  I know that as we are spending hours I am dreading the goodbye.  I will know that as we are visiting he will be cautiously watching the clock so that he can get home on time, as to not cause alarm in his house.  It has become obvious that he will leave rejuvenated and I will be left depleted and will take days to heal from our visit. No, I don’t want to go through that again.  I can’t.  I won’t.

I am nervous, because I know what I am going to do.  I am going to end this.  I am scared, because it will be the first time I draw the line.  I know where that line will lead me.  I know it is going to hurt, but it is like surgery.  Take the pain now, to avoid more time living in pain only to end up with the same surgery.  Just like with surgery, I will never be the same, but hopefully I will be on my way to wellness.  Right now, I feel paralyzed to move on in my personal life.  I am limited by this relationship.  Maybe, by pulling the plug once and for all I am opening myself up for a more fulfilling life with someone who can and is willing to love me and make me a priority.  I love this man and at one time I thought he loved me and was serious about me.  I see it differently now.  I know what I was/am to him. I wasn’t/am not the love of his life, his soul mate, the one he couldn’t live without…I was his mistress.

I fell in love with him before I knew he was married and I believed him when he said we were different, that I was different and he was trying to leave his wife.  I take accountability for staying with him after I was made aware of his marital circumstances.  I take accountability for loving him even after he showed me who he was. I need to remember that this is not an ending, but a new beginning as I take back my heart and reserve it for the man who shows me that he is deserves it.  This is a new beginning for the new life I am forging now.

I must remember:

-that to steal second, I first have to take my foot off first base

-that I am brave, strong and deserving of more

-that I am a worthy, deserving person

-my worth, my values and moral compass

-to be brave…

I have to be brave and face this head on with the words I never wanted to speak to him. There was a point in time I would have rather removed a limb without anesthetic, but I know he doesn’t feel that way, and I in turn have had to face that hard truth.  I knew the day he said, “We shouldn’t see each other anymore.,” that he wouldn’t rather lose a limb than live without me. That day was really the turning point for us.  It was the first time, I knew he didn’t mean everything he had said to me.  It was when doubt was introduced. It was the first day I felt small and unimportant.  I have to face my fear and the pain and emptiness I know that will follow after speaking the words.  I have to face the unknown future.  Sometimes the fear of the unknown is worse than the reality of the present.  I need to remember how hard and painful the last few months have been for me and have the courage to face the unknown.

Time for me to put on my big girl panties…

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12 thoughts on “Time to put on my big girl panties…

  1. At the moment your words encourage and horrify me as im on the precipice of ending things. Your analogy of surgery is spot on. I need to make a definitive and clean cut then the healing process will commence. I read the blogs of other women who are walking in my shoes and only hope I can find the courage to remove myself from the clutches of this man as we all deserve so much more. Thank you for your words.

    • It is a hard thing to do for sure. But in the end…I know I will be here in a year or 50 years if I gave him that long. I want to be chosen and not the default woman. The matter for me… there will surely be pain to get out. It is more of the when and not if. You know? If I take my lumps now, I will lessen the pain overall. Looking out for me! I have nothing to lose and everything to gain! So do you!

  2. If you were near me atm I would hug you and sob as you know exactly where I’m at. I am also very angry with myself for falling for all his bulls*&& and I know as others have told me I am too good for this man. I am an attractive youthful spirit and I have wasted enough time on him.

    • I would love to give you a hug and sob with you. I just want to give you a reminder…look for the silver lining. Look for what he brought to your life. The lessons learned that you can take away. The purpose he served. Honor it, as you did him, and then allow yourself the moment to grieve it then move on. I am sure you are an attractive person who is worthy of so much! But don’t dishonor yourself in your grief. You are where you are because this is where you are supposed to be. However, as the OW you become powerless. You can take back that power and determine your own destiny. Yes, you love him. Yes, he made an impact (probably huge), but it doesn’t define you, no more than being the OW. This is your life, your journey…you can decide to end it, and move on and yet honor who he was in your journey. Neither of you are bad people, just bad in your circumstances. You have a lot of choices! Make the one that is best for you. Follow your gut and love yourself!

  3. Oh how I envy you your certainty and strength…..i wish I was at that point, I wish I could just rip off that band-aid and get through the pain. not quite there yet, although I have given myself and end date. I am so sorry he misled you like that in the beginning and then has kept you hanging on. To fall in love under false impressions is so unfair. But you seem to be of great strength and this is truly his loss. By removing him from your life you make room for someone wonderful and worthy of your love!

    • It didn’t come over night. It took time and unfortunately, experience and a lot of heartache. I’m ready to make room. I’m tired. Tired of carrying the burden. OW carry the bulk of a lot! I’m just tired. I’m a single mom too, just not enough energy for this anymore! At some point the bulk of us get here. You’re a strong woman too! You have to be, to be here.

  4. It will hurt. You will find yourself crying sometimes at night. There will be time you want to get back. Like you said, “hitting a reset button.” Keep looking forward and it will get better. Stay strong. We are here for you. Thinking of you! ::big hug::

  5. I hate it when you thought you are managing well, without him.
    And he comes breezing back in, expecting to be a priority and he** breaks loose.
    The mixed feelings and mood swings makes me go insane.
    I admire your strength!
    I need to learn to be determined and not to backpedal.
    Thank you for your beautiful post – your reminders helped to remind me that I am worthy too
    hug

    • You are definitely worthy. You’re absolutely right, the mood swings that come with this can sometimes feel crippling.

      I haven’t had the conversation yet though. It makes me sick every time I think about it. I want to be a coward and back out in silence. :/ But I do know that I cannot continue to be his other woman anymore. I just can’t. It is too hard on me.

      Big hug! 🙂

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