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Lady in waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting…

I read an article today in Psychology Today titled “7  Reasons Most People are Afraid of Love.” I found the beginning of the article interesting.  They said the time between Jan 1st and Feb 13th is the highest break-up time and also the highest for divorce filings.  I suppose that seems right.  People get through the holidays and thus into a guilt-free time to break up before Valentine’s Day.

As I sit and play the waiting game like so many OW I am trying to keep myself occupied in other areas, but I can’t help but to wonder what are the catalysts that finally push people to leave unhappy relationships?  In every divorce I have ever known there seems to be a third person involved.  This is almost always true for couples who are serious, but haven’t taken marriage vows yet as well.

W seems so content to keep doing what we have been doing.  He doesn’t seem to me that he feels any urgency or pressure at all to end his marriage, or to commit to his marriage.  I feel the need to do something or I will be stuck in the situation indefinitely. He needs a catalyst, and even if that isn’t enough at least I will be in position to move on.  As I see it here are my options…

contact his wife – This I absolutely will not do.  I don’t think that would benefit anyone- her, him, their children, or me. Having been on the receiving end of having the OW call me, I think this is unnecessarily cruel for everybody involved. So scratch that one. I know that a lot of women in my shoes have negative feelings towards the wife or feel jealous.  I am jealous, because she has the life position with W I want, but I do respect her and care about her feelings.  This is why I want some resolution.  I think keeping her in a marriage like this is not right to her, whether she is aware or not.  I have said many times to W, if he wants to stay married to her, he needs to stop messing around on her and put the effort in and make his marriage healthy and happy.  If not, then leave so she can find a man that will give her that.  I know she is a good person, in spite of what some might think I do feel guilt and remorse for my part in any pain I am causing or could cause her, and I do wish her well.  I also don’t want to get his children involved in this, which I think would be a strong possibility if she found out.

Give him an ultimatum – Do I really want to be in a relationship where I end up with him only because he felt he didn’t have a choice?  Do ultimatums ever really work in the end? Would I be ready to deal with the rejection if he didn’t choose me?  I don’t see this option as a win for me.  So scratch this one.

Have an assertive talk – Have a conversation where I let him know my needs aren’t being met, his family’s needs aren’t being met, his wife’s needs aren’t being met.  Explain how he needs to make some tough decisions and quickly.  I have done this already.  He bought the book I recommended to help him make these decisions and he got half way through it, and then he put it down.  I think he is just content with the life he has right now.  For him, he doesn’t see a need to do anything. So, we scratch this one too.

Pick a leave date and then stick with it – Have one more conversation explaining that I just can’t continue in this relationship the way that it is now.  Then pick a date where I am out if he hasn’t done anything to move forward with me, I will assume he wants to still be in his marriage.  Right now I am tossing around the date of February 1st.  I have had that date in my head for a couple of months now.  Probably because of the reasons the article gave.  We are past the holidays and I feel like if there is going to be a time of year to do something, now is as good as any.  I don’t see any benefit in dragging this relationship out if it isn’t going anywhere, and our risk of being caught only increases.

I’m still thinking on it, but I know I need a resolution and my options are limited.  This one will pull me out of this never-ending-revolving door and allow me to move on and be with somebody who is available, if he is not willing to leave his marriage to pursue a relationship with me. But, how do I do it?  Do I just leave without saying anything?  Do I give an explanation?  Do I keep it short and simple?  Do I do it in person? No, not in person. I don’t think I would be strong enough to leave him if I did it in person.  Any advice from anyone who has done this would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, here is the link to the article I mentioned earlier in Psychology Today 7 Reasons Most People are Afraid of Love

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2 thoughts on “Lady in waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting…

  1. I haven’t done this yet myself, so not sure how I would do it. Perhaps having a talk on the phone saying “I need you to know I love you and I would love a future with you, but it is time for me to move on”. You can explain that you understand that he is comfortable with things “as is” but that you need more than what he can currently offer. That way you are not making an ultimatum, you are merely stating you needs and facts. Then if he counters with saying he needs more time, tell him he has all the time in the world and that when he finds himself single he can look you up and if you are still single perhaps you could reconnect but that you do not intend on “waiting”.
    Of course all this fabulous advice is coming from someone who has yet to have that this type of conversation and is scared to death of the day I haven’t this talk. So take with a grain of salt!

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