It has been almost a year since the fateful day that I met W. We first met through a computer site. Our first meeting was a chance one, and our first communication were exchanges made via written form. It took me all of 10 minutes of innocent chatting with W to figure out he was different and he made me feel different.
Within days I was telling family and friends that God was working in my life and had been blessed me with a wonderful man. I had never said that about another man before. In fact, I had kind of given up on God, let alone feeling his presence in my life, but when I met W it was like I could feel God smiling down and blessing me. I didn’t know he was married at that time (it would be couple of months before I knew that truth), and we had yet to meet in person, but nonetheless I was in love, he was in love. I felt the connection instantly, and he felt it too. It was spontaneous and combustible. It would be a month before I would meet him in person. I really didn’t know what he would look like, honestly I am not sure it would have mattered much. I was in love, for probably the first time in my life. That first meeting was amazing. I couldn’t believe my luck when this gorgeous man walked through the door. I had to ask my girlfriend (she was waiting with me until he got there) if he was attractive. I was so in love with him already I wasn’t sure I was being objective with how handsome I thought he was. She assured me he was good looking, it wouldn’t have mattered what she said though honestly, he was beautiful to me.
After all the broken relationships and my failed marriage, it finally made sense as to why it hadn’t worked out with those other men…I was meant for him and he for me We were already finishing each other’s sentences, laughing at our inside jokes, talking in “twin language.” The energy and affection between us was/is palpable. People tell us how cute we were together. We are the gross couple that people hate…You know the ones that always sit next to each other at the table, are constantly touching, can’t stop staring at each other, that are always smiling and laughing with each other, the ones you say “Geez, get a room! Will you?”…That’s us…then and still today. We are the couple you love to hate. Those early days and months were spent in constant communication. We seemed inseparable, even though we were separated by miles most of the time.
When I met W I was going through my own personal crisis. Actually, it was that crisis that led me to him, unintentionally. Over the next couple of months he guided me and helped me navigate my way to a healthier place. He was supportive, attentive and helped me to make decisions that I had needed to make for a long time. Within a few short weeks we were best friends. I know it sounds weird, but we have all met strangers that impact our life from time to time. That was W. He was a stranger that made an impression on me, but it was more than that. It was chemistry that I haven’t experienced ever before in my life. It was/is like friendship on fire!
Within a couple of months I was dealt a blow…I found out he was married. My beautiful W didn’t belong to me, he belonged to another woman. Finding out he was married, well not only married but had lied about many things (the things that would have led me to discover he was married) felt like the worst sucker punch in the world. It was worse than the time my fiance’s ex girlfriend called me to inform she had been seeing and sleeping my fiance during our entire relationship. It was worse than having to listen to all the torrid details from her about her affair with my fiance. It was worse than anything I had been through up until that point. After my experience of being cheated on, I never thought I would be in my shoes. But life rarely deals us the hand we think we deserve or want.
In my past relationships I would have walked away at the news that he is married, but he was different. We were different. I agonized over what to do for days, weeks, months. I was torn. I could tell he was hurting. I could see his pain. It is difficult to turn your back on someone you love so deeply in their time of need. It was difficult for me to conceive of a life without him in it. To walk away from him would have felt the equivalent of clawing open my own chest and ripping my heart out. The sting of betrayal doesn’t always mean you turn off the emotions of love. This is why so many spouses stay after they discover their spouse is having an affair. Betrayed spouses hang on to hope that they can save their marriages. Why? They are vested in their marriages and they still love them. This is also the case for many women who find out that their new boyfriend, the man they are in love with is married. The betrayal is just as real as it is for the wife.
After counsel with many of friends and family members, I realized that W was a good person. A person who felt trapped, who had done a bad thing…He was still a good person. I have several girlfriends and a couple of family members who have had affairs, left their marriages, and are now happily married. They wouldn’t dream of cheating on their current spouses. These friends and family members talked me through why he would do what he did. It was with their support I was able to forgive him, and understand his transgressions, but I didn’t want to continue to be the other woman. I wanted him to live with integrity. I wanted to live with integrity. I asked him to either commit to his marriage and let me be, or to leave her and allow her to move on to find someone who loves her and wants a life with her. I told him this wasn’t fair to any of us…him, her, or me. He needed to make a decision. After some time, he told me he had decided to leave his marriage.
W lives over 3 hours from me. The majority of our relationship has been via phone. I have only been to his town once. The times we are physically together are a halfway point or where I live. All of my family and friends are aware of him and our relationship. When he is here he attends family functions with me, we meet up with my friends, we go out like any other couple. If you are wondering if all of my family and friends are aware he is married and of his situation, the answer is yes. Many of them have questioned his intentions with me. He always says he is leaving and intends to be with me. When we are together we live our life in the open, we don’t live in the shadows. We only live in the shadows when we aren’t together.
He has yet to leave his marriage, and with each passing day I begin to believe he isn’t leaving his marriage. I used to think we were different, but recent events have led me to believe we are might be just another statistic. He has never said he isn’t leaving. In fact, he maintains that he is. However, his actions are suggesting otherwise. As long as I hope, I will remain with him. I hope I have an answer soon. Walking away will be so hard, but living in the shadows as the other woman indefinitely will be harder. My prayer is that there is some movement forward and soon. I need a resolution. My prayer is for peace for all involved and soon.