So, I was able to spend a 24 hour period with W. We met up and I was so happy to see him, to smell him, to touch him…Just writing this brings tears to my eyes.
The problem is…I hate leaving. I hate saying goodbye. It’s not necessarily the goodbye part. I’m not clingy like that. It is just that my soul craves him so much. The days between our meetings are so lonely. I do things, see people…I have an active social life, but my soul is lonely. I crave that special someone in my life. My soul craves a relationship. A relationship with him. I could have a relationship. I get offers frequently from men, but I want him. I choose to take myself out of the dating pool. I am the only single one of my friends. I watch them with their marriages, their relationships and I am jealous that they get to have time and a life with the person they love. I get pieces of him. I am not the primary relationship, or the secondary, or even the third…I am not sure where I lie in the equation, but I know it is at best fourth. There is the wife, the children, the career, etc…All of those must come before me.
It is hard to love somebody this much and be able to give them your everything, and know that you get the remanents of their life. To know you are an expendable part of their life, and they are front and center in yours.
Every moment spent together, every phone call, every text is a stolen moment.
While our time together is so magical, so special, so meaningful and fun, the looming emotions of saying goodbye and the distance I know that will come between us is heart wrenching. It takes me days sometimes to find my bearings in the loneliness of my mind after coming down from such a high of being his one and only…even if for only a day.
I plaster a smile on my face and try to be cheerful, but inside I feel like my heart is always breaking. No matter how precious our time is together, I know that he is not mine. I know that if push comes to shove I will more than likely not be his choice. To love somebody and know that they are the only choice you could logically consider, and yet know that you are not theirs is heart breaking. To want someone so very much and know that there is nothing you could do to make them yours can break you in two.
I have come to realize that I love him. I mean love him, like I have never loved human being. I love our relationship dynamics: how we interact with each other, how playful we are together, how much fun we have together, the common interests we share. However, I hate our relationship. I hate spending so much time alone. I hate waiting for him to call, to text, to create time in his life for me. I hate sneaking and what we are doing to his wife and family. He has to take time away from his children in order to carve out time for me. I hate that it makes him feel as if he is being pulled in two directions. I hate how it makes me feel as a woman and a person. I hate feeling small and accepting less than I deserve. But the two are inseparable. To have him, I must accept my fate as the other woman. I hate that.
So, yes, I had time with him. Yes, it was magical. Yes, he touched my soul and heart and melted me under his touch. And for a 24 hour period he was mine. And just as soon, as he was mine, he was gone again. Back to being the husband of another woman. Back to a life that I am not part of. Away from me. As the miles begin to separate us once more I remove myself from front and center to stand in the shadows of his life once more. This is my fate as long as I allow myself to be his other woman.